After a few years of excuses (allergies, toxic mold exposure, broken bones, torn ligaments and tendons, car accidents, sinus infections and septum surgeries), we are finally starting our new life. We have been planning for months while my dear husband has been laid up with a couple surgeries how we will execute this plan. He researched the workouts, we got the approval from our primary doctors, I have a nutritional plan and the alterations to said plan to fit DH's likes and dislikes. My boys (13 and 6) will pretty much eat anything. Their father is another story. We decided to try P90X. On www.bodybuilding.com on January 13th, 2014, they were starting a contest on the greatest transformation. Here's the link. Hopefully it still works after January 13th. http://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/100k-challenge.html.
Okay, so ready, set, stall…… Yeah. That is how I have felt for months. We get to the second and third week in the month and we seem to be gung-ho as far as planning. We set the transformation date for the first of the month, then nothing. You see, my husband has PTSD. And with that comes a whole lot of medications, because that seism to be the way the VA likes to handle things. And those medications bring about certain habits, like sleeping all day, staying up all night, forgetting anything and everything you should remember, and obsessing on things that do not matter. I no longer have a husband. I have another child. A child that throws three year old temper tantrums in his full grown thirty-eight year old body. I have a teenager that stays up all night playing Black Ops II all night, then refuses to wake up in the morning when his kids need to do things, like schoolwork. This morning, for example, our six year old had an appointment online with an 8:30 am class. My husband turned off the alarm clock and no one got anything done today. This is my life. Every day.
So, back to ready, set, stall. Every month, there was a stall. It usually went something like this:
Me: Did you look up the stuff for P90X? (He insisted on this system because he enjoyed it in the military and he gets hung up on things.)
Him: I would if you didn't have me doing all this other stuff all day. I can't even think because you make me do so much every day. (In his head this is true. But in reality, he slept 'til 4 pm, ate a couple bowls of Captain Crunch Berries, got tied up with Spotify and Facebook, and looking at handguns and tactical pants and it is now 10pm.)
Me: Okay, can you do it now? (He has been up since 4 pm, so in reality it is only noon to him.)
Him: I'll do it tomorrow. It is late and I haven't done anything for me today. ( Meaning, he wants me to leave him alone and go to bed so he can transition from the dining room table where he zoned out on his MacBook to taking over the living room and playing Black Ops II all night. I can't tell you how wonderful it is to try to go to sleep with his cursing at the TV. Normally he has his headphones in, He usually remembers to keep the TV turned down so I don't get to hear it down the hallway. Sometimes he forgets, and even though he has headphones on, I can hear all the online gameplay. It drives me insane. Like really, I want to pull my hair out. )
So this has been going on for the past six months. Every month, I dealt with excuses of why we couldn't do whatever it was that we were going to do. Then, just before Christmas, a gal posted an unopened set of P90X workouts. They were super cheap and I could grab them right then. I decided to forgo the waiting period of my husband researching it (this used to be a tedious process before the PTSD, now it is downright hell), and just bite. I woke him up and asked him to drive me into town, and I picked up the P90X.
Me: Oh! I was so excited and forgot to tell you that last night a girl put P90X up on the FB garage sale site and I grabbed them up. She hadn't gotten back to me until now and I have to get them before noon. (It's 11:30am)
Him: Wait. We don't know if they are bootleg. Or scratched. Or something is missing. Do they have the nutrition guide? (This just goes on and on the entire ten minute ride in.)
Me: Well, I wanted you here so you could see them and make the final decision. (Making sure he knows he has the power to choose and that I did not remove his power. Even though I have been waiting months and months for him to order the darn thing.)
It turns out the girl won a couple of P90X systems on eBay and needed to sell one. Score one for our entire family. No more waiting on dad to make a decision. So when are we doing this? Turns out he has to acquaint himself with the videos, look online, make lists of supplements… Does it never end? The procrastination is going to kill me. I gave him until January 1st and this turns into the 13th because of the contest going on. Well, Sunday the 12th comes along and I thought we'd be going to bed early, getting up on time (Finally!) and starting this new structured life. One I could thrive in, because this is the kind of life I need and do not have. But then the 12th comes along and the unstructured, undisciplined schedule continues. I am frustrated because I have been nursing a hurt back and refusing to take my pain pills and muscle relaxers, and I have just had it. My christmas tree needs to come down. And I have had it. It is coming down! So, I start taking the tree down and end up having to give in to meds. Sad day!
It is the morning of the 14th, my tree is still in the middle of my living room, but at least it is in the box and duct taped. Thank you 13 year old wonder kid. And yesterday, the kickoff of the $100K challenge, the one my husband insisted we wait for? Yeah. He slept until almost 5pm, then came out in work out clothes and made some flippant comment towards me because the boys and I were eating dinner and he assumed we'd wait all day (apparently without eating) to workout as soon as he woke up. Yeah. not happening.
Me: Hey. There is a piece of pizza at the table for you. It should be still warm if you want to go eat it.
Him: I thought we were supposed to start this workout today. (Said in a pretty aggressive tone)
Me: I thought you were going to get up this morning to start it. It's after 5pm. We just finished dinner. We're going to wind down and get ready for bed now. And you have school stuff you need to do. (He started back to school today.) Today is going to have to be a day about better food choices and tomorrow will have to just be better than today.
From there, he sits on his computer all evening with his headphones in. At 8pm I have my little guy brush his teeth and get ready for bed. I totally forget about reading scriptures. Again. And he is in bed by 8:30pm. The 13 yr old is told to shower and get ready for bed. He is fast asleep by 10pm. And at midnight, my little man is wide awake and starving. I get him an apple and a piece of cheddar. Wrong choice! Instant energy. And he is wide awake. And stays wide awake with the combination of his "nap" and his snack. He stays wake 'til 2:30am, then he crashes. And now, at 5:30am, I am blogging what I should have blogged yesterday. And hoping I am not dragging by the afternoon. And hoping that my husband can muster enough drive to get up and do something today. And trying to not tell myself that this is wishful thinking. So, January 13th was the day of transformation. The day to start fresh, and new. and I hoped beyond all hope, that my husband had enough time and planning to pull himself up by the bootstraps and do something. But no, he indulged himself in hiding behind the screen of his computer. When I got up with the little man at midnight, he was on the PS3 playing Black Ops II. I asked him about little man's 8:30am class, if he was planning on getting up to keep the same schedule as the kids (kids are home schooled) so that we have time to work out. And he threatens me.
Him: You remember what happened the last time you talked to me like this? (Now, before you get worried about what happened "the last time I talked to him this way", I'll let you know that he didn't attack me or anything. But he did throw a temper tantrum and tear off in the car. Have I mentioned I hate PTSD?) And with that, he shuts off the TV, heads into the bedroom, strips out of the work out clothes he never used today, and hops into bed. No good nights. No I love you. I ask him if he took his meds because even though his phone and laptop go off at 10pm to remind him, he doesn't ever take them on time. He waits until 2 or 3 am to take them. And then he can't wake up in the morning. Anyway, same story. No, he did not take his meds, he forgot because he was distracted by blah blah blah. There is always an excuse for why he didn't do something. And then he takes his pills and is asleep. The whole exchange takes maybe ten minutes. And my husband is in bed, and I am half asleep getting my LO a snack. Argh!
With all this said, I have two options. I can dwell on all that did not happen on Monday. The work out that didn't happen, the schooling, the cleaning. I can focus on the fact that the Christmas tree is still in my living room, right in my walkway, that my couches do not have their pillows on them, there is laundry on two couches, the kitchen is a disaster zone. But I choose to focus on what I did accomplish. I woke up and remembered to eat right! My kids had a good day. My boys worked together to unload and load the dishwasher. They put everything away in the right place (no small victory there). And after a lot of attempts, I managed to get into SparkPeople and set up this blog! I'm pretty excited. And today, I'll do better than I did today.
Calorie Goal for the day: Between 1000-1200
Final Calorie Count: 1191
Achievement Unlocked!
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